Watch your language before your kid

360

After a workshop titled “Me & my baby”, a parent came to me and said, “I have two kids and what you said is theoretical.  After a job, husband, family, and these two kids, you say that we should sit and spend time with them, to logically think before punishing them. Do you even think that a parent has time to breathe and think before they scream? Yes I do get insecure about my kid and wonder whether he will stop loving me when I see myself continuously shouting at him without reasoning out his behavior and not allowing him do what he wishes to. Also, I get afraid when she picks up things without asking, and says something different to elders without thinking and it’s the worst when the world sees me with a culprit’s eye, as if I am giving tuitions on how to disrespect. Am I…? “

This made me rewrite this article from scratch. Today I am not going to say DO’s and Don’ts nor am I going to say that attentive parenting style works more and makes it easy for parents than a care free parenting style. It is when a child calls you for more than three times and you are too busy to answer or when your child starts hiding things from you at an early age, which is a RED alert indicating the child is going to start finding vulnerable ways to seek your attention which could be from bed wetting or crying without any reason, or throwing temper tantrums in public places.  As adults or parents, we think of a quick fix for our kids but they are not looking for solutions or logic but are looking for acknowledgement and addressing the feeling as another human and not a kid who possibly does not know to clean themselves.

Which made me reflect on one incident that we conducted in our workshop on parenting style where we did a role play and one became a parent and another a child.

Group 1

Child:  (crying out loud) -this stupid Riya is not playing with me and asking all of them to not talk to me.

Parent: I know, you would have done something to make them do what they did.

Child: NO!! I didn’t do anything as such that they stop playing with me.

Parent: good so stay at home and watch TV

Child: no I want to go and play with them.

Parent: so go and say sorry

Child: NO I haven’t done anything wrong to say sorry.

Parent: get in and sleep.

Child continues crying and makes it a task to get in bed and sleep.

Group 2

Child:  (crying out loud and screams while saying-) this stupid Riya is not playing with me and asking all of them to not talk to me.

Parent: Come with me let me see what the hell is making them do what they did.

Second parent: Leave them lets go and grab an ice cream.

Child: okay…

Group 3

Child:  (Crying loudly) This stupid Riya is not playing with me and asking all of them to not talk to me.

Parent: Hummm… you must be so disheartened.

Child: I was buying chips and she came in between and I said I was in queue and now she is asking all of them to be mean to me.

Parent: okay…

Child: I am not going to play with them, tomorrow when she comes to school I will push her.

Parent:  You seem to be very angry; I was wondering what else would make it easy to play back.

Child: I don’t know but I will go and play with everyone tomorrow.

Parent: I see… nice idea, its past 9, will you have your milk now or after changing into night dress?

Child: After changing (goes and changes the attire)

When the child is addressed in a way group one chose to, they start blaming themselves and may also start believing that they are at fault.  They also created a mind map where they land up thinking that they need to go the extra mile to maintain friendships and start being bullied by other children or take extra pocket money to give treats to their friends in order to being liked. Whereas, group two displayed a classic example of dependent behavior and inculcating habits like emotional eating, complaining which leads them to obesity, being a follower than to take decisions and taking lead of their own life.  Group three where the child was more expressive and was acknowledged made it easy for both parties to come to a conclusion.

WEEK ACTIVITY:

Let’s try to acknowledge and listen, and question by using “what made you………..” than “Why did you……”

To use gestures like “hmmm..”, “I see..”, “uuhhhh…!!” than giving solutions. And see if this new and different style really works.

Child ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Parent

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Child ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Parent

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Child ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Parent

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To be continued….

Before I take your leave some FAQ\

  1. A human brain achieves its peak period of growth earlier than other organs. During infancy, neurons from synapses develop at a rapid rate. Stimulation determines that which neurons will stay and which will die off. {ref: Child Development by Laura E. Berk}
  2. Story time tonight will be at 7:30 pm, all children in pajamas with brushed teeth are invited. -love mom and dad {ref: how to talk so kid will listen and listen so kid will talk} (conditioning to earn than making it obvious to get reward makes it a little easier)
  3. They see and learn with all their senses from eye, ear, nose, touch and tongue more than listen to instructions and follow.

From the speaker’s point of view:

  • Not Lying in this world is little impractical, lets teach them to be politically correct in an audience and true to themselves and you.
  • Displaying a rosy world may not last longer, let’s make them ready and ethically correct to face adversity of life.
  • Crying is as natural as going to pee, let’s not have gender bias attached in revealing their emotions.
  • With all your feedback we will meet soon stay in touch – hello@happydna.in
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